


No Diamonds

by TwirlsWrites



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Everyone thinks Clint and Phil are married but they're not, Gen, I miss those times, M/M, Written during the heyday of 2012 avengers fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 01:15:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17736242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwirlsWrites/pseuds/TwirlsWrites
Summary: They thought he was married to Coulson. They thought that Coulson was married to him. Were they fucking with him? Bruce had a terrible poker face, and no way would Tony be able to go this long without cracking. Did Coulson think they were married? Was he about to call someone who thought he was his husband?Was Clint trapped in a depressing Nicholas Cage flick?





	No Diamonds

Clint Barton had a problem.

Actually, he had several problems; and more besides that Natasha could probably tell you about. But he was being specific, okay?

Clint Barton had a problem.

Since he had woken up, everybody seemed to be under the impression that he was married. And not married to Bobbi, anymore at least, but married to one Agent Phil Coulson.

It might be Philip actually, Clint wasn’t actually sure – he’d make a terrible husband, just look at that.

It was subtle, the growing realization, because it’s not like people talk about stuff like ‘how’s your husband, Phil Coulson?’ every day or anything but it was pretty easy to put the pieces together.

“Late start there Legolas, Agent kept you up pretty late, huh?” Tony said with a filthy wink when Clint walked into the kitchen. The young, naïve, drowsy Clint of a few hours passed just blinked at him in confusion while Thor turned to Tony with a disapproving look.

“Tony, I have been given reason to understand that common discussion as to what takes place in the marital chambers is not common. Midgardians consider it private what one does with one’s spouse. Darcy says that it’s okay with some people and not others, but Clint has never chosen to talk about his and The Son of Coul’s private life previously,” Thor said in a patient, if disapproving, tone. Tony glowered.

“Simmer down Thor, Clint’s fine with it – aren’t you?” he directed this back at Clint, who had decided that the best course of action was to ignore whatever Tony was talking about and find oatmeal.

“I don’t even know or care what you’re talking about, Robocop. Where’s the brown sugar?” he replied, going for one of the cabinets.

“I think Bruce used it all last night on his baking spree,” Natasha said, coming into the kitchen followed by Cap. Both were in work-out gear and had a light sheen of sweat. They looked like they were in a commercial for a gym or something.

“Baking spree,” caught Clint’s attention and he was so distracted by the Cinnamon Rolls that Natasha uncovered that he almost missed the third hint of the morning.

“Clint, where’s Phil? He’s normally in the gym around 7:30 but we didn’t see him at all,” Steve said. Not looking away from Clint, he casually lifted the slightly damp towel draped over his neck and tossed it so it landed on Tony’s face.

Tony let out an indignant shriek.

“I’m not his keeper?” Clint said blankly, “He’s probably on the Helicarrier maybe.”

“Did you guys get into a fight?” Steve asked, looking concerned.

“He was only supposed to get back from Majorca late last night,” Natasha said with a small, patient grin. “How much of a fight could you get in.”

“Did he not return? Jane was quite upset when I did not see her after the Battle of New York,” Thor said. Clint blinked and turned to look at each of his team mates.

They were serious.

“Alright guys, leave him alone. They’re fine,” Bruce said from where had been sitting next to Tony. “

“Maybe give him a call, see if he’s there?” Steve suggested.

“Yeah,” Clint said slowly. “I think I’ll go do that.” He took a slow step back and pulled out his phone.

They thought he was married to Coulson. They thought that Coulson was married to him. Were they fucking with him? Bruce had a terrible poker face, and no way would Tony be able to go this long without cracking. Did Coulson think they were married? Was he about to call someone who thought he was his husband?

Was Clint trapped in a depressing Nicholas Cage flick?

“Uh, hey… Phil,” he said, aware of the eyes on him. “Are you alone right now?” Tony made a gagging noise behind him and Clint waved his arm at the peanut gallery, using it as an excuse to flee from the kitchen.

“I can be,” Coulson replied. There was a short muffled conversation before he got back on the line, sounding the same as always. “What’s up?”

“This is going to sound crazy, but have you…” Clint trailed off, not entirely sure how to phrase it. “Last you checked, were we married?” There was a beat.

“Oh, good,” Coulson replied – relief evident in his voice, “It’s not just me; I thought I was going crazy.”

“Those assholes,” Clint groaned, “They really had me going.”

“You think it’s a prank?” Coulson asked. The slight thread of surprise in his voice brought Clint up short, and he leaned against the doorframe to his room as he replied.

“You don’t? This seems exactly like Stark branded bullshit,” he pointed out.

“Yes, but most of the SHIELD agents I know are far less likely to go along with him, and I’ve had four different agents ask where my ring is,” Coulson said.

Huh.

“Parallel Universe maybe?” Clint suggested. He walked into his room and looked around for anything out of place or distinctly different.

“I considered that,” Coulson said, “But nothing else seems different. There are no pictures in my office, for one, and secondly I was never actually wearing a ring. When I asked Agent West to describe the ring, he couldn’t, which is also suspicious.”

“Huh,” Clint said. There was nothing different in his room either, no extra pictures or knick-knacks and only his clothes as far as he could see. “Did he actually try to describe it or…?”

“He tried very hard, I believe he thought it was some sort of delayed observation test.” Coulson said drily. Clint frowned.

“No one in the kitchen asked where my ring was,” he said. “Sure, bigger issues going on and all that but what kind of super heroes are they not noticing I wasn’t wearing my ring?”

“Clint, we don’t have rings,” Coulson said.

“I know that, but apparently they don’t,” Clint pointed out, moving to sit on his bed. Coulson gave a small hum.

“Maybe you don’t wear one?” he suggested.

“It’s not like having a wedding ring would throw off my aim – I wear gloves anyway,” Clint muttered. He was being weird, so he took a mental step back. “Magic?”

“Very likely magic,” Coulson agreed. “I’ll call one of our magic consultants and see if they can take a look.”

“Want me to run up to the Helicarrier so we can meet with them?” Clint asked, already glancing around for his shoes.

He heard hesitation.

“Actually, my niece turns twelve today and I promised I’d visit Janey and Lamont’s house for dinner,” Coulson said haltingly. “I understand that this is a very uncomfortable situation, but I would really – ”

“Of course, no, family comes first,” Clint said. “It’s not like this is so ridiculously urgent that I can’t live with you for another day. I mean – this isn’t the worst thing to happen to me or anything.”

“Of course, thank-you.”

The silence that followed was only mildly awkward.

“Right, so, you probably better get back to work. I’ll check out things around here and see if I can find any more clues,” Clint said. He pressed the ‘end call’ button before things could get more awkward.

 

Two hours later, sitting in the passenger’s seat of Coulson’s car on his way to a family dinner it looked like that hadn’t quite worked.

“Phil! So glad you could make it, and you finally brought Clint,” Jane said as she answered the door. She ushered them in and pulled Clint into a hug. Startled, Clint patted her on the back awkwardly - apparently whatever was going on was going on here too.”Lamont’s just checking on the food - Wendy come say hi to your uncles!”

If Clint’s heart did a small loop at that it was no one’s fault but his own.

A small girl with lots of curly hair and a patented Coulson-thousand-yard-stare came slowly down the stairs. She frowned at Clint, tilting her head slightly.

“Who’re you?” She said. Clint blinked and darted a glance over to Coulson, who was watching his niece speculatively.

“Sweetie, that’s Clint!” Jane said with a fond smile. “Your other uncle.” Wendy looked confused for another beat but then her eyes widened and she smiled.

“Oh!” She darted forward and gave Clint a hug.

“I’ll just go see how things look in the kitchen,” Jane said with a nod.

“Wendy,” Phil said, crouching down. “What did you do?”

“Nothing!” Wendy said. “It’s my birthday!”

“Wendy,” Phil trailed off. Wendy pouted.

“You sound like mom when you do that,” she whined. “Fine. I didn’t _mean_ to, I didn’t _actually_ think it would do anything.”

“Didn’t think what would do anything?” Clint asked.

“Well momma and dad are always talking’ about how Uncle Phil doesn’t have anyone special in his life, an’ I thought maybe I could help! So I wished really really hard and it worked!”

“Wait, what?” Clint clarified.

A car alarm started blaring outside, and both Clint and Phil looked to the door. Clint made it to the window first, peering through the blinds. He sighed, turning to Phil.

“Yeah, it’s the X-dudes.”

“Which ones?” Phil asked, standing up and putting a hand on Wendy’s shoulder.

“Both of them,” Clint said. In the driveway, Wolverine was arguing with Cyclops while Emma Frost looked bored in the background. She looked over at the window, apparently sensing him, and smirked.

“I’ll deal with this,” Phil said with a sigh. “Wendy, go in the kitchen with your parents and see if you can undo whatever it is you did, okay?”

“… okay,” Wendy said softly.

“I’m not mad at you sweetheart,” Phil assured her. “But we will talk about this later.” Wendy bit her lip and nodded before darting off to the kitchen. Once she was out of sight Phil sighed.

“Annulled so quickly, Sir?” Clint couldn’t help a quip. Phil gave him a sardonic look and nodded at the door.

“Let’s greet the uninvited guests.” He said.

On three, Clint opened the door and they both walked outside.

“Evening gentleman,” Phil said calmly, drawing both Wolverine and Cyclops’ attention. “And Ms. Frost of course, can I help you?”

Cyclops frowned at him, and then turned to look at Emma.

“Her uncle,” she supplied. Cyclops’ posture dropped and Clint imagined he was probably glowering under that visor.

“You didn’t think to mention that?” He said. Emma shrugged.

“Just grabbed it.”

“Phil,” Wolverine greeted. “Your niece popped up on our radar.”

“That’s nice,” Phil said. “Go away please.”

“We just want to talk,” Wolverine said.

“It’s her birthday,” Phil said. “You’re going to interrupt her birthday dinner? She’s fine.”

“Who’re you?” Wendy’s voice piped up from behind them. Clint spun around to see her stepping out the door and peering out from behind him.

“Hi Wendy, I’m Logan. I work at a school for gifted kids like you. Kids with powers.”

“Oh,” she said. “That’s nice.”

“You’re a mutant, Wendy,” Wolverine added.

“Okay,” she replied.

“Okay?” Cyclops echoed. Wendy nodded with a shrug.

“Yeah,” she said. “That’s pretty cool.”

“Not everyone thinks so,” Cyclops said. “I’m from a school too - “ at this Wolverine snorted but Cyclops ignored him. “- we can help you learn how to use your powers and protect you from people who would judge and hurt you.”

“I’m in middle school,” she said. “Everyone judges everyone else, mom says it’s just a thing kids do and to remember to be nice to others.”

“Okay,” Jane came storming out the front door, followed by her husband. “I told both of you on the phone that we don’t need your schools!”

“Mrs. Anu —- “

“Wait, you knew?” Phil asked.

“That she gave you a fake spouse? No, but she has been exhibiting signs lately, she’s growing up so fast,” she added, ruffling her daughter’s hair.

“Mom,” Wendy said plaintively, ducking out of the way.

“And she doesn’t want to leave home,” Jane continued in a dark tone - glaring at the trio in her driveway.

“We just thought we’d talk to her directly,” Cyclops said.

“You okay sweetie?” Lamont asked, walking forward to crouch next to her.

“I’m okay,” she said with a smile. “They’re just talking… just in that way that mom ‘discusses’ stuff on the phone with her boss sometimes.”

“You know, you’re on your way to being too old to be called precocious,” Lamont told her with a sigh.

“Not yet though,” she said. Lamont laughed.

“Yeah, not yet,” he agreed. Clint kept an eye on them while Jane read Wolverine and Cyclops the riot act.

“Your sister is scary,” he told Phil. Phil nodded.

“No clue where that comes from,” he said lightly. As he spoke, Jane turned around and started marching back to the door.

“Come on boys, it’s time for dinner.”


End file.
